Dearest Acha,
Hope you are doing good in heaven. I know that you are in heaven, coz you were a good human being. Almost 6 months have passed, but I still miss you every single day. Every day I look at your garlanded photograph and I feel lost. I feel angry and I feel sad.Lost because you are no longer around to call me "kocheee" the way only you can . Angry at myself for taking you for granted and sad because I cannot redo any of that. Life seldom gives you second chances.
You had a good life and a good death. Days after you were gone, people used to tell me how you peacefully you left this world, in your sleep. I sadly smiled at them. But inwardly, I wanted to scream at them . I wanted to tell them, how desperately I tried to wake you up from that sleep. How desperately I wanted to believe that it is all a dream and not the harsh reality. How I ran for help, carrying the car key, hoping that someone can take you to hospital and revive you. I am numb, holding your ice cold hands while we were speeding to hospital with you head resting on Amma's shoulder. I remember desperately asking someone if we can take you to KIMS hospital and if they can revive you. We have seen in movies and all, they apply this electrical shock kinda thing and people sometimes wake up. That moment, I was desperation personified..
How can I not be desperate. I didn't get a chance to live up to your expectations. I was always busy with my own life and career. You were a silent presence in my life. Sometimes, you nagged me to slow down only to be reprimanded by Amma for not being considerate enough. I wish you were around to nag me . I wish you were around to tell me "Don't worry, be happy" . I know that I never gave you the care that you deserved. I was always procrastinating. Let this be over, let that be over..and then I will get time. But I never got time and will never get again. How I wish I had said at least a bye to you that day when I collected my lunch bag from you and got into the office bus. I was irritated that I was again late. Now I realize that I was always late. I was late in giving you the care and consideration. You were that soil under my feet that kept me firmly grounded. I could do many things, because you were around to take care of the nitty gritties of my life.
That day they put you in a freezing casket. At times I wanted to switch it off. I knew that you cannot stand cold temperatures. I wish I can have atleast one day back with you so that I can take care of you the way I should have. You never asked me for anything. You didn't even wear the shirts that I had brought for you last onam because you felt that you already had enough. You left so abruptly that sometimes I was screaming at you in my head "How could you do this to me". I know that it sounds absurd and illogical. Your time came and you left. Somehow I am unable to accept that fact at times. You left me with many life long regrets, should-haves and could-haves. When was the last time that we had a meaningful conversation, I don't remember. I was too busy. When was the last time I gave you my undivided attention instead of whataspping my friends in parallel. I don't remember. I was too busy that I forgot to cherish you. I was always more concerned about Amma. She was the one with health issues. Even you were always worried about her health than about yourselves. I have never seen any man care for his wife the way you used to care for her. Sometimes, it made me jealous in a very childish manner.
Losing someone who was around since the time I could remember was too much of a shock for me. You must be aware that I couldn't sleep properly for few months after you were gone. I was not at peace. With so many changes happening in my life, I was too worried. I used to wake up regularly at 2 Am or 3 AM and then couldn't sleep at all. Somewhere I had read that this happens when you have a spirit around you. How I wish that was true.Maybe you were watching me silently.But you never came to my dreams to disturb me. I was desperately hoping that you would , so that we can atleast have one good conversation for me to cherish.
I know that these are all my regrets. You had a happy and content life. They say that even you were not be aware of your death, since it happened in your sleep. Nobody heard a sound or a even a murmur. You didn't disturb anybody, not even your beloved wife who was hardly 20 feets away from you. You lived as a nice man and left as one. I know that you would be concerned about Amma. She is fine, still in shock but recovering. She is not the same person anymore, something had shifted inside her. She is no longer the strong woman she used to be. She gets worried and sentimental at each and every small thing. We are trying to take care of her as much as we can. But I know that she will not be the same again.
We have started our life at a new place in a new way..I still miss you and wish that you were around. In that navy blue tracksuit and T shirt that you loved wearing. You had developed a love for T shirts with pockets. I wish I could have bought you few more.. I wish I could have taken care of you better..I wish ..I wish.
Don't know why Acha, but I was missing you a lot today..I miss you when I hear people talking about their father, or when I see them spend time with their father..I can never do that again...But I can hear you saying from somewhere nearby "Don't worry, be happy "
With lots of love,
Your kochu..
Hope you are doing good in heaven. I know that you are in heaven, coz you were a good human being. Almost 6 months have passed, but I still miss you every single day. Every day I look at your garlanded photograph and I feel lost. I feel angry and I feel sad.Lost because you are no longer around to call me "kocheee" the way only you can . Angry at myself for taking you for granted and sad because I cannot redo any of that. Life seldom gives you second chances.
You had a good life and a good death. Days after you were gone, people used to tell me how you peacefully you left this world, in your sleep. I sadly smiled at them. But inwardly, I wanted to scream at them . I wanted to tell them, how desperately I tried to wake you up from that sleep. How desperately I wanted to believe that it is all a dream and not the harsh reality. How I ran for help, carrying the car key, hoping that someone can take you to hospital and revive you. I am numb, holding your ice cold hands while we were speeding to hospital with you head resting on Amma's shoulder. I remember desperately asking someone if we can take you to KIMS hospital and if they can revive you. We have seen in movies and all, they apply this electrical shock kinda thing and people sometimes wake up. That moment, I was desperation personified..
How can I not be desperate. I didn't get a chance to live up to your expectations. I was always busy with my own life and career. You were a silent presence in my life. Sometimes, you nagged me to slow down only to be reprimanded by Amma for not being considerate enough. I wish you were around to nag me . I wish you were around to tell me "Don't worry, be happy" . I know that I never gave you the care that you deserved. I was always procrastinating. Let this be over, let that be over..and then I will get time. But I never got time and will never get again. How I wish I had said at least a bye to you that day when I collected my lunch bag from you and got into the office bus. I was irritated that I was again late. Now I realize that I was always late. I was late in giving you the care and consideration. You were that soil under my feet that kept me firmly grounded. I could do many things, because you were around to take care of the nitty gritties of my life.
That day they put you in a freezing casket. At times I wanted to switch it off. I knew that you cannot stand cold temperatures. I wish I can have atleast one day back with you so that I can take care of you the way I should have. You never asked me for anything. You didn't even wear the shirts that I had brought for you last onam because you felt that you already had enough. You left so abruptly that sometimes I was screaming at you in my head "How could you do this to me". I know that it sounds absurd and illogical. Your time came and you left. Somehow I am unable to accept that fact at times. You left me with many life long regrets, should-haves and could-haves. When was the last time that we had a meaningful conversation, I don't remember. I was too busy. When was the last time I gave you my undivided attention instead of whataspping my friends in parallel. I don't remember. I was too busy that I forgot to cherish you. I was always more concerned about Amma. She was the one with health issues. Even you were always worried about her health than about yourselves. I have never seen any man care for his wife the way you used to care for her. Sometimes, it made me jealous in a very childish manner.
Losing someone who was around since the time I could remember was too much of a shock for me. You must be aware that I couldn't sleep properly for few months after you were gone. I was not at peace. With so many changes happening in my life, I was too worried. I used to wake up regularly at 2 Am or 3 AM and then couldn't sleep at all. Somewhere I had read that this happens when you have a spirit around you. How I wish that was true.Maybe you were watching me silently.But you never came to my dreams to disturb me. I was desperately hoping that you would , so that we can atleast have one good conversation for me to cherish.
I know that these are all my regrets. You had a happy and content life. They say that even you were not be aware of your death, since it happened in your sleep. Nobody heard a sound or a even a murmur. You didn't disturb anybody, not even your beloved wife who was hardly 20 feets away from you. You lived as a nice man and left as one. I know that you would be concerned about Amma. She is fine, still in shock but recovering. She is not the same person anymore, something had shifted inside her. She is no longer the strong woman she used to be. She gets worried and sentimental at each and every small thing. We are trying to take care of her as much as we can. But I know that she will not be the same again.
We have started our life at a new place in a new way..I still miss you and wish that you were around. In that navy blue tracksuit and T shirt that you loved wearing. You had developed a love for T shirts with pockets. I wish I could have bought you few more.. I wish I could have taken care of you better..I wish ..I wish.
Don't know why Acha, but I was missing you a lot today..I miss you when I hear people talking about their father, or when I see them spend time with their father..I can never do that again...But I can hear you saying from somewhere nearby "Don't worry, be happy "
With lots of love,
Your kochu..
